Vishuli Mbunthu – Kwini Nayo Ali Napo Pamsundu

 Kopa yayi, lekezyani mphepo. Vishuli mbunthu. 

Vishuli vinamazina ghanandi, Waswahili wakuviti Mashuzi, waku Speni wakuti  pedo  waku Russia na ma bwilibwishi yawo wakuti Perdet, Majapanizi wakuviti onara, ma Harabo wakuti yatakao, Mazulu yakuti Suza,  kweni pali mitundu yiwiri ya wanthu iyo yili kuvipa vishuli mazina ghakwenerera umo nkhuonera ine: ma Tchainizi chishuli wakuchiti Piiiiih… wanyakhe ni Mafalansa ayo yakuvichema lu peeeeeh.

Mitundu ya Vishuli

Chakofya chomene chishuli nichila chikwiza na seko…iwe ukuti useke, mbe uku josi tolotolo….ku Mlomo ha ha ha, kumsundu pe pe pe! Mtundu uwu ukuchitikaso pa ku yethemula or paku khosomola. Aliyese pagulu akuti waka kumlomo mwazi, nakuti ungakanaso yayi.

Chishuli chinyankhe ntcha u Ninja…no kupulikika kweni kunkhunkha nga pafwila ntchewi pamalo.

Ichi nkhopa ini ntchishuli chautesi…. Nyengo zinyakhe dazi lose mtown munthumbo nga ukhumba kunya mavi, kuchimbira kuluta ku Chimbuzi mbwe kusanga kuti ntchishuli. Betele ichi, kweni pali Chinyakhe chautesi, iwe ukuti ah, ntchishuli waka, uti pwee, mbwe kamphingiri kadikidiki kafuma kali mpanti.  No Mtende munthu uli mu minibasi olo kuntchito.

Mtundu unyakhe ukuwa nga bomba, pamsundu nga pakeluka, aliyense mu class kuchita kuchuluka na ntchewe uwo kubweta.

Chinyakhe ntchakwaya, pakwamba nga alto, mbwe besi nakumaliro nga mbata za wa mikayele.

Chinyankhe ntcha wu 007 Cha ma spy:  Pagulu munthu ukuthira da ka 1 percent pera, pala kalije saundi kweniso kalije sungo, mbwe kulekezya 99% yosi.

Chinyakhe nichila chikwiza na ukali, kwamba kupulika mnthumbo mukubwata, kupulika mphepo yikhwikha, pala chafuma kuchita kupulika kupepuka.  

Kwe ka Vishuli nivichi nakuti tikunyerachi vishuli?

Vishuli ni mphepo. Pala tikulya tikumila chakulya kumoza na mphepo, tinamwawi mphepo izi tikufumizyila ku msundu, ng’ombe zikunyera vishuli ku mlomo. Tinamwawi. Mphepo zinyake zikupangika mu nthumbo. Pala talya chakulya chikugayika mu nthumbo na ma asidi na tuvibungu twa bactéria. Kukufuma mphepo ngati methane, hydrogen carbon diaoxide, Amonia. Pakulya tikumila oxygen, Nitrogen ... mphepo izi pala zasazyikana ndizo zikupanga vishuli vyakununkha.

Pali vyakulya vinyakhe ivyo vikutemwa kutipasa mphepo izi pala talya: Masumbi, Ntchunga na kwawanyakhe awo mkaka ukuwakana – mkaka.

Wasayansi wakuti munthu aliyose pazuwa akunya vishuli vyakukwana 1 litre kuti waka mwa one litre iyi, vyakunukha vikuwa vichoko.

Tose tikunya

Wanthu wanyake wali kutolana kwa vyaka 50 kweni wandampulikepo muoli wawo akunya vishuli, chomene chomene pa chibwezi, pagulu, kunthito na pagulu vishuli nivyakupokeleleka chara. Kweni ivi vili nthena chifukwa tawanthu tikujipusika kuti ndise wakupambana na vinyama.

Unenesho wake ngwakuti tose tina pamsundu. Tose tikunya mavi. Tose tikunya vishuli. Tose tikuvikelula.

Vishuli tikamba kuving’ola nikale. Pythagoras yula wakatipa Pythagoras theorem ku Samuzi akati wati uyo wakutemwa kunya vishuli akufwa lubiro. Iyo akatenge wati pala imwe mukulya ntchunga imwe, by eating beans, you could fart your soul out and die.

Benjamin Franklin, uyo nimunthu wakutumbikika mu mbiri ya Amerika – mpaka mwahunu pano ali pa Ndalama yaku America- nayo akayoyowapo vya vishuli. Akalemba kalata kuluta ku wupu wa ma Scientists yaku Europe. Kalatya yakhe akayichema ‘Fart Proudly’ - ‘Nyani Vishuli Mwakufwasa.’ Mukalata iyi iyo akadandaula kuti vishuli wanthu wakuvitinkha ndipo akasachizya kuti wanthu wa vyasayansi wasange munkhwala wakuti wanthu walyenge kumoza na chakulya kuti palawakunya vishuli viwenge ngati perfume kweninso vyambula kutinkhika.

Mankhwala agha ghandasangike mpaka mwahuno kweni vikate viwenge vyakusekesha kuti munyakhe ayasangenge. Mpha kuli ma flavour ya vishuli mmaminibus. Wanthu wa Ndalama mpha wakunya vishuli vya Vanilla na mafungo yakudula.

Kweni ine nkhukola mazgo ya mufalansa yunji zina lake Michel De Montaigne. Michel Di Montaigne wakalemba mu buku lakhe kuti:  On the highest throne in the world, we are seated, still, upon our arses.’ And, lest we forget: ‘Kings and philosophers shit, and so do ladies.’

Michel wakayowopaso za St. Augustine, mmoza mwa wanthu awo wakambisha ma tchalitchi pachalo, Augustine akalembapo za munthu yumo uyo akanyanga vishuli apo wakhumbila, na munyakhe uyo akanyanga vishuli nga lusumu.

Di Montaigne wakutichisya kuti tileke kopa kunya vishuli, ndise vinyama, tikulya, tikunya.

Nanga uli akuyowoya ntheura De Montaigne, ndise wanthu wamahara, kweniso research yinyakhe yili kusanga kuti mu vishuli mukuwa tuvibungu tula twa bacteria tula. Sono ni betele kuti pagulu or pafupi navyakulya tinganyanga vishuli bwekabweka chara.

Kweni pala tanya mwasoka, kopa yayi, yowoyani waka kachizungu kakuti ‘excuse me’ kuti mugule visa...or pala mungamanya, waphalirani wanyinu awo za De Montaigne.

Pali vishuli vinu vyalutilizya unandi lutani ku Chipatala, ingawa colon câncer iyo yikupangisha vishuli ninandi mwakulutizga.

Waphalirani wa neba winu, neba, uli na msundu – neba, ukunya vishuli nga ine!

 

 

Dr. Livingstone Wakagundanga Wanakazi nga Solomoni

Tikumanya wanyithu wa Synod wakumchindika chomene Dr. David Livingstone, tose tikumanya ndiyo wakadangilira kufika na uthenga wa yesu, ndiyoso wakajula nthowa kuti ma mission na madoda nga Dr. Robert Laws, Robert Moffat  na ma missionale ghanandi yize nakuzakatipa masambiro, ukhristu, nakutipoka ku malonda wa ugza ayo waharabo na wa Swahili wakatipyolanga nayo.

Kweni kasi mukumanya kuti Livingstone wakawa mtesi, mlowevu na mlebi? Mukumanya kuti wakawa mgundizi, mtombi, muswa bumbu wakufikapo? Mukumanya kuti wakababa wana na wamwali wachifipa? Pulikigzani nimuphalirani. Pala ndimwe wa Synod, werengani chakukhala.

Wakawa Wanalume - Livingstone

Utesi

Pakwamba wakapukwa kukaona waka mkati mwa Africa, kweni wati waona kamwana ka vyaka 14 kakugulishika pa mtenga wa futi yimoza, Livingstone wakakhumba kumalisha malonda wa bazga. Kuti wachite ichi, wakaganiza zakuti waone pala ma sitima ghangenda mu msinje wa Zambezi kufuma ku Mozambiki kukafika ku Congo. Iyo wakati pala ma Steamer ghangenda, ndekuti wazungu wangiza na malonda ghanyakhe ivyo vingapangisha kuti malonda ya bagza yamale.

Wakenda kufuma ku Tete ku Mozambiki kweni wati wafika pa Kabola Bassa, wakasanga kuti mhingi ukawa ufinyi, sitima yingajumpha chara.

Ndalama za ulendo wake munthu uyu wakamupanga mba Boma, Mmalo mwakuti wayowoye kuti msinje wa Zambezi ungendeka chara, iyo wakalemba kalata kuti undendeka mchifuku. Munthu uyu ipo wakawa mu rwani.

Ulebi

Wati watondeka kupanikigza kuti ma sitima  yangakafika ku Zaire kufuma ku Mozambique, Livingstone wakasintha vyakuchita…sono wakati wakakhumba kukasanga apo msinje wa Nilo ukambira. Nyengo iyi wazungu wanandi wakamanyanga chara uku msinje uwu ukambiranga.

Livingstone wakalembanga kalikose mu ma dayale. Pakwamba wakazizikikanga na wafipa awo wakawaonanga wakugundana mu ma thondo pakuti manyumba yawo kale yakawa yachoko, tuvitembevitembe waka nthena.

Mubuku lakhe Into Arica: The Epic Adventures of Stanley and Livingstone, Martin Dugard, wakalembapo vya ulowevu na ulebi wa munganya uyu:

 ‘…Livingstone had no plans to marry these women, whom he observed daily in the village marketplace. That didn’t necessarily mean, however, Livingstone was chaste. Though a man of God, he was not without weakness. The missionary who arrived in Africa as a teetotal virgin had become fond of beer and champagne, and often travelled with a small bottle of brandy when he could procure it. Livingstone was also fond of women — and sex.

 ‘It was only natural in a land where the intense heat made nudity preferable to being fully clothed, where sex often took place in the outdoors because the communal family hut was too small for intimacy, where the muffled sounds of furtive lovemaking could be heard at night, and where Livingstone occasionally stumbled upon Africans in the act of intercourse. It was also not surprising that a widower enduring long absences from England would want the company of a woman.’

Dugard wakatiphalilaso za umo Livingstone mu dayale lakhe wakaghanaghanilanga chomene chomene zakukhuza fumukazi yinji yakuchemeka Manenko. Yikamutemwa Livingstone, kweniso mumuzi wawo wukawa mudauko wawo kutemwa kugundana na walendo. Pala walendo kwawafipira wakawapanga wamwali na pakugona, kweniso fumukazi iyo pala yati zakuno, no kukana yayi kopa kutimbika, kuchimbigzika na kukomeka. Kale pala kwafipa nkhalamu zikakalipanga, Livingstone uyo nkhalamu yikamulumapo.

Apulikani Dugard:

‘Livingstone’s thoughts of sex were actually evident in his journals long before Mary died. His entry of 8 January 1854, describing a fiery African princess named Manenko, was a commentary on the brash sexuality he encountered in his travels. Livingstone wrote that she was ‘a tall strapping woman of about twenty … in a state of frightful nudity.

‘This was not from want of clothing, for, being a chief, she might have been as well clad as her subjects, but from her peculiar style of elegance of dress. In the course of a quarrel with her entourage she advanced and receded in true oratorical style … and, as usual in more civilized feminine lectures, she leaned over the objects of her ire, and screamed forth all their faults and failings since they were born, and her despair at ever seeing them better.’

 ‘Manenko referred to Livingstone as ‘my little man’, and he complained that she left him with ‘no power’. It was common for royal women like Manenko, if they so desired, to share the bed of passing travellers. Hypothetically, if Livingstone was so ordered, he had no choice but to concede — or be killed.’

Werengani - Buku la Dugard

Mu dayale yakhe munthu uyu wakalembangamo cha ivi...kweni makalata ayo wakalembanga kwa madoda ghanyakhi ndiyo yakutiphalira kuti munthu uyu wakawa wa mphulupulu mukabunthu. Mukalata yakuluta kwa Munyake Seward, Livingstone wakati:

‘Sibweni ini ndini ndalewa wanakazi kuno, ndalewa wanakazi 300 nkhuchita kupulika kunowa ngati Solomoni wa mu Baibolo,’ ndimo wakalembera iyo.

Pulikani kwa Dugard:

 ‘Throughout his years in Africa, Livingstone’s journal admissions about sex were limited to vivid appreciations of the beautiful women he saw in his travels. But in a candid personal letter to G. E. Seward, the British Consul whom Livingstone befriended during his time on Zanzibar in 1866, the explorer revealed a telling private detail.

‘In the course of sharing insights about expedition supplies and the vagaries of life in Africa, Livingstone displayed uncharacteristic machismo by confiding in Seward that he’d had so many African women he felt like a famously prolific Biblical lover. ‘I had like Solomon three hundred wives princess (but don’t tell Mrs Seward),’ Livingstone confessed to his fellow Scot.’

Asi mwaona? Mulisha uyu wakawa na nkhuli yakuthwa chomeni.

Dazi linyakhi (18 March 1868) wakalemba kuti:

‘A VERY BEAUTIFUL young woman came to look at us, perfect in every way, and nearly naked but unconscious of indecency — a very Venus in black,’

Namachero yakhe  (19 March 1868) wakalemba kuti:

 ‘Grant, Lord, grace to love Thee more, and serve Thee better.’

Asi mwaona kuti wakung’namula kuti: nigowokelani a Chiuta chifukwa mayilo nkhapwakasha buzi? Pa 19 March pakawa pa birthday yakhi munthu uyu… wakayipulika kunowa.

Pa wanakazi 300 mpaka pawi mwana, wakawa kale na wana sikisi pa mpisu muori wakhe, so tikumanya kuti wakawa chumba yayi.

Wati wafika pamalo ghanyakhe, Livingstone, Chuma na Susi wakasangika kuti wamba kwenda na ka msepuka: ka swesi, sisi lake nga la wanthu wafipa chara. Mwana uyu wakawa wa njani?

Mweneko Livingstone wandalembepo za msepuka uyu, kweni wantchito wose awo wakamuperekezga ku Chitambo wakate ndi mwana wa bwana. Kakawa kaluwaliluwali nako, apo wawiske wakaluwalanga kuti wakhala pachoko kufwa nako wakachita kunyamulanga pa machira.

Pulikani Dugard:

‘…Livingstone’s infidelity was a breach of character. And there was one manifestation of this that remained fairly well concealed during Livingstone’s lifetime. It may have occurred in the fiery Princess Manenko’s village or in some other village during his many years in Africa, but Livingstone, it was later documented, fathered at least one African child.

‘That son was the teenage boy who had joined the caravan some time after Tabora. ‘He also had with him his son. He was a half-caste. The people said it was Bwana’s son,’ Chitambo’s nephew later swore in a deposition, speaking of the day Livingstone entered his village.

‘Bwana’ was a term of respect. ‘The people said it was Bwana’s son. He was respected by the others as the son of a chief. I did not see the mother or any other woman with the Bwana’s people.’ Chitambo wasn’t the only villager who would swear to a subsequent generation of British travelers about Livingstone’s son.

Another African, Mumana, remembered that ‘the Bwana had one son with him … his skin was quite white like a European child and his hair was fair’.’

Mwajipulikira mwekha. Pala mukhumba kumanya vinandi vya mwanangwa uyu wonerani documentary yakuchemeka: The Last Explorers: Livingstone (BBC), The Last Explorers S1E1 kweninso chomene chomene werengani buku la Martin Dugard – Into Arica: The Epic Adventures of Stanley and Livingstone (2004)

Nikhwasyani pa Twitter: @mutafire