Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Why I hate Malawi

Not that I hate Malawi or Malawians...Malawians rock.....but it’s their ideas that I detest...the fact that they keep lying to each other that they  are a united people, that they are God fearing, that they are morally in check, that they are perfect and that angers me so.

Strong Lingua alert these thought came without ceremony

First we claim we are God fearing, but we hate, we judge, we suppress and oppress each other.

We claim we are united and a warm heart of Africa and yet we envy each other label each others tribes, we belong more to tribes than to country...

We claim to have a Malawian culture but spending three years in the village I have never seen it, just a stinking way of life full of swearing, gossip, jealousy and fornication...

We pretend a lot, that we are learned, that we are peaceful, that we are one that we are holy, that we are patient, that we are disciplined but tell that to a foreigner, but for me who has never been outside this country I know its all a sham...I could see it from my Sunday School days that we were being taught to live a lie.

Me idolize the US, no way, it is the Joyce Banda's and the Peter Muitharikas who are always referring to that part of is Malawians who are buying the hip hop tracks and you that have abandoned Malawi footy for English is you that are not gracing Malawian shows for MTV, its you that worship TB Joshua and go all the way to buy his water..

It is you that buy Heinz Baked Beans from the US and ignores those from Mphompha or Chinkhoma...

It is you that pattern your literature to the foreign one, you that abandoned our god for an Israeli one...

It wasn’t me that let the foreigners acquire land in Thyolo, it is you that seek help from British lawyers in local cases; it is you that send your kids to the US...

Me hate Malawi? No way but What you call Malawian is what is fake and gross, it stinks like the crotch of a man that has been traveling all day, been to the toilet without a tissue and had a wet dream the previous night.

We all think we know better than the next man, but we know better that almost everything we think we know, we have been told and taught.

We are the biggest joke ever, Indians love us, fuck our women and deny us theirs, take all our money and import more of their brothers while we argue over who is supposed to put on mini skirts...

White people love us, we give them jobs, we lie that we are fifteen million so they ask for aid and give us peanuts withhold the rest to go on vacation in the Caribbean, they love the way we act like Mr. Beans when we see them..And they love black pussy too which they sometimes do not even have to pay for.

They love freely moving around in bum shorts when local women would be stoned if they dared.
They love mining our countryside and paying us peanuts, they love running our game reserves and "protecting" our animals only 'culling' a few and feeding some to their friends.

Politicians love us, fucking us from behind. Always appealing to our tribal greed and then getting rich alone, educating their kids in the US...

Let's go on arguing over which hole was made for the penis, we are so far doing great on the international reality show stage...we can even go ahead to ban farting or make sure nobody fucks their lady by any other position other than missionary.

We are so naive as to think that we are a country, what’s innit for being Malawian? I get to listen to Ntcheu hyenas hoot at night? Or go to Livingstonia Synod because the preachers at the nearby church are not my tribesmen?

I mean, come on! Why do we have so much HIV if we are morally in check? 50 thousand of us will have gotten HIV by December 31st, and yet none of us will admit to have had sex....yes, we are a cultured people.

We are so respectful, we are great families, the one incest and defilement cases per day are just blight in our perfect being. The prostitutes at Kamba go home with moneys from heaven, they are not bonked by stable husbands.

The catholic priest stick to their celibacy and the fatherless kids that resemble them are just an act of nature.

We ratify many conventions and actually implement them, we love our women it’s why we stripped them when they exposed too much skin, its bad for onlookers, of course the terabytes of porn we have in our PC's is just to douse the exuberance of youth...

The Universities are in tip top conditions, the journalism graduates that fail to use recorders were lazy, the unfinished syllabuses are just a short term problem and the students learning Motor Vehicle Mechanics on old Land Rover Engines will soon catch up with the latest KIA engines once they graduate.

Like come on, why do we love the sweetness of mediocrity? Where a president can appoint a sister to a high position and a brother to ministerial position and send dumb relatives on a merit-based scholarship to China and leave out bright students...its all normal?

Where journalists cannot write news because they haven't been paid by news-makers, I cannot call my home.

Yes, I know in Jamaica, where i long to run to, people have their own problems, but at least its the devil that's appealing.

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