A Bright Mhango Special
First things first: we should give respect to
the 90’s for the foundations they laid. Kamuzu got dethroned, democracy
returned and most of what will be talked about here has roots in the 90s. Also a quick disclaimer here, I put up this
piece alone, it is biased of course, if you don’t like it, fuck you. Also, I
keep saying ‘20 Years’ because 2020 is already here and because 2020 will not
bring drastic historical change enough to make some issues discussed here
irrelevant.
An ode to the Cell phone.
At the start of the century, post office
workers behaved like pretty girls among ugly ones. They had our lives by the
balls. To receive money we had to get telegrams, to send messages we had to
use snail mail. Not for long, when the cell phones got rooted, it
revolutionized Malawi.
Everyone wanted to invest in a telephone bureau. Oh yes, remember the telephone bureaus, then came the Nokias, my first was a 3310, then I moved to a 6600. Remember the Blackberry mania?
It may seem like an eon ago, but we have moved
from Post Office to WhatsApp very fast.
Tip a hat to the FM radio
Back in the dark ages there was only MBC, Yeah,
tough, I know. With the coming of FM 101 in 1998, things were headed in a
different direction. Along came Capital Radio and then in 2005 Zodiak, launched
by one Gospel Kazako came to take over. The last 20 years have seen radio take
root among Malawians. No longer did they have to have long aerials to catch
Channel Africa or BBC, the FM signal meant that the urbanites could enjoy
crispy delivery.
Here we have to pause to remember the likes of
Adha Mhone, Hope Chisanu, Gerald Viola, Joy Natho, Sister Fire and all that
crew that made radio so dear.
Vehicle of the Century: Toyota Hiace
There are not more than 6000 minibuses in
Malawi and if you are living in Mzuzu now you might actually wonder why the
fuck a minibus could win this accolade, but you need to look at the bigger
picture.
When the transportation industry was
liberalised and pricing no longer controlled by government, there was a boom in
minibus proliferation. One of the advantages of the minibus was that it was
speed and convenience. It could stop anywhere and could reach places where big
buses never went. Some traffic police officers should thank minibuses for the
homes they live in.
ARVs – an Incredible Revolution
Malawi realised that it had HIV in 1985; I
remember they told stories of it first being identified in some Miss Malawi. I
remember a health worker – a Mrs. Mseteka – coming to our primary school to
educate us about the disease, it was mythical back in the 90s. People said HIV
patients could be noticed by looking for a coin-like imprint on their tongues
and so on.
But Matenda
a Boma was not here to play. Records say in the 90s up to 30 percent of
pregnant women had it. It was fucking insane; they effects of that 80s-90s boom
took its toll at the end of the last and the start of this century, people were
dying like crazy. If you stood at Kameza or Luwinga or by Salima Road, the
number of dead being ferried to their villages for burial in the 97s was
fucking ridiculous.
They even say the food crisis of 2002 was
because the labour pool was hit badly by the disease. It is why ARVs deserve a
place in our history. Deaths were stemmed, lives saved, and some labour
returned to production. Now with almost 90% of us knowing our status and 70
percent of roughly one million infected being on ART, let us not forget where
we are coming from. The stupid stigma that the disease came with and how our
traditional approach and our hiding behind religion almost cost us a nation.
Honorary mention: The Polio vaccine.
When I was young most adults had significant numbers
of polio victims. When I went to secondary school in 2002, I think my whole
school had no one with Polio related disability.
Things we buried
Quinine, that dear and dreaded Malaria cure.
The AM radio. Those outrageous FUBU type hip hop attires, Adha Muhone,
Matafale, Vic Marley, Mafunyeta, Chakufwa Chihana, Matchipisa Munthali, Dr
Rubadiri, Landson Mhango, Josephy Tembo, Rodwell Munyenyembe, George Mtafu to
list but a few. We also cannot explain where erstwhile domestic names like
Undule Mwakasungula went.
Bingu wa Mutharika – Malawian of the last 2 Decades
Bakili Muluzi was all about running his mouth;
he wasted the hopeful momentum the country had after ditching Kamuzu. He could
have harnessed the momentum to entrench democracy and institutions, but he
didn’t. He got rich and the country got fucked. I cannot remember how many times
the syllabus got changed under him, education was watered down and Malawi
became more corrupt under him for sure. That is Why Bingu is important.
Don’t get too excited yet, Bingu never helped
us either, in fact, fuck Bingu. May he rot in peace. He is however our man of
the decade because he represented a watershed moment in many ways. He was an
outside man, he spoke against corruption, and he held on to the fertilizer
subsidy and actually registered some spectre of success with it.
He also took Malawi from China ROC to China PRC
and was prepared to confront our colonial masters.
Mutharika however stole our money: he was a
basic man before taking power and yet died with over 60 billion. His associates
continue to fuck the country to date.
He also attempted to be a junior Mugabe and
copied his rhetoric on gays and that did not help. Donors left us in limbo and
we all remember the forex and fuel shortages and the university closures under
him.
He is the man of the last two decades for not
only turning us on with hope that we lost under Bakili Muluzi but also leaving
us horny with his short-sightedness and a DPP party that continues to just
finger us with their kletpo-nepoto-mediocratic rule.
I should have said fool of the decade, really.
Hall of Shame.
Walter Nyamilandu – For clinging on to office
for so long when the right thing to do
is to stand down after failing to significantly improve Malawian soccer.
Peter Mukhito – For his zealotly, role and
stand during the Academic Freedom saga.
Jane Ansah – For Not resigning when her office
was called into question and still clinging onto her office even when the
country burned and people died over her stay in office.
Bingu – That motherfucker
Bakili Muluzi – For his shambolic rule
Cancers
Violent Crime
We
entered the new century with much euphoria – not for the people of Chiradzulu.
Women and girls never dared to go out after dusk lest they get discovered dead
without their breasts and vaginas. It
was scary.
When TVs and Stereos and other electronics were
white elephants in Malawi, there was a string of robberies in the cities, the
scary ones being those guys that came as group of 20 and smashed in doors with
rocks.
Then the Albino Killings that are still
on-going. A type of racist lynching, I
call it.
Under this heading, a few stand out. First is
the killing of a pregnant 26yo Linda Gasa in 2010. She was killed and buried in
a shallow concrete grave. Her boyfriend is still the main suspect.
Then Robert Chasowa was hacked in 2011 by
alleged DPP thugs.
Then there was the killing of Issa Njauju in
2014 of an ACB employee by corrupt people?
Some of the Iconic and brutal images we have
seen in the last 20 years have been courtesy of the Malawi Police Disservice.
Corruption
Here the Police led by the DPP take centre
stage but the whole nation is in on it too. I can count using just my five
fingers my close friends who actually went to driving school before they got their
driving licenses.
Nachipanti
At the height of the first decade of the 21st
Century gory and macabre murders scenes started appearing in Ndirande Blantyre,
the same hysteria that gripped the women of Chiradzulu gripped Ndirande
residents. Some Jack Bandawe was named
by police as principal suspect.
Albino Killings
This is its own category despite having already
been discussed under violent crime because despite Malawians always having
harboured superstitious attitudes towards albinos, it was only this decade that
saw them being hunted, kidnapped, cut up and their bones yanked off sometimes
while the victims were still alive. It is unprecedented, only Malawian women
have been specifically targeted like that for their body parts.
Mulanje ‘Bloodsuckers’ Hysteria
Now, most of the people in the rural and urban
areas in Malawi are - how do I say achimidzi in English? – I will go
with uncivilized. That came to the fore in at the end of 2017 and into 2018
when they formed lynch mobs attacking cars and foreigners suspecting them of being vampires and fuelling
mass hysteria.
Men of God – Pentecostal Churches
The Catholics, Presbyterian and Anglicans ruled
the religious scene, they rooted out ATR and planted Jesus in Malawian hearts,
but like the Post Office and cell phones, they can now only watch as new age
charismatic Pentecostal churches built around men explode... Ndovie, Living
waters, Cavalry Family, Bushiri – I could go on and on.
If you enter Blantyre, start counting from
Lunzu, there are more of these churches than schools or hospitals or schools
and hospitals combined.
Many, mostly feebly educated females have sold
out to this rebranded Jesus and spend hours on end praying in aggressive terms
to this new Jesus. Back in the day the only annoying religious noise was the muezzin
from the mosques and an occasional bell from the big chapels, these days
neighbours bellowing out players all night is as common as Usipa at the market.
The Return of Traditional Healers
Another type of cancer that has made a return
to Malawi are these doctors - falsely so called. Now if you open the newspaper
or walk around our dirty cities there are thousands of posters on walls and
poles advertising how some doctor will bring back lost love, help secure
employment and even cure chronic diseases such as cancer. They are the cancer.
Police
Okay now, this is an important institution in a
democracy but sadly, in Malawi the police in the last two decades have operated
more like a ruling party paramilitary wing. There have been police caught using
service guns to rob; the amount of police that get painted black in the Robert
Chasowa murder is staggering.
The Century started with Police gunning down
Fanikiso Phiri in December 2001 and in you fast-forward through the last 20 years
via July 20, 2011 and up to the recent publication of a report that says police
have been systematically killing suspects, you get the picture.
Some of my least moral friends joined the
police and I don’t know any other institution more corrupt in Malawi.
Their playing cuckold to the DPP government as
we saw with the July 2011 demonstrations, their handling of the Academic
Freedom Saga and their trigger-happy policing tactics that see them flinging
teargas at anything they encounter has seen them become targets whenever
Malawians are disgruntled, very few see them as neutral arbiters – very few.
The traffic police – let me not even begin to
speak of those motherfuckers. I wouldn’t be surprised if they found that for
every 100 Kwacha a traffic police officer has in the bank 80 Kwacha comes from
being bribed.
Street Vendors
Another group of sick fucks. Yes, they are at
least trying to better their lives by selling trinkets, but they are still a
cancer. They make the cities look like shitholes; they engender crime and
harassment and go against the law.
UDF
The initial plan was to list this as
‘Politicians’ but I was like fuck it,
there have only been two parties of note in the last 20 years. So yeah, led by Muluzi, the UDF wrestled
power from MCP; they led the privatisation era and also the plunder of public
coffers. Most of the UDF bigwigs resultantly got very rich.
DPP
When Bingu grabbed power from UDF he rode the
anti-corruption sentiment but was soon to also lead his own crusade to implant
his own mates, kinsmen and yes-men in critical positions to loot and chop
public coffers as well. Most of the people in the DPP were UDF people after
all, making DPP a mere UDF 2.0.
Sports Betting
I remember back in my primary school days even betting
over playing cards was done in secret,
that all seems like in the past with the giant sports betting companies ruling
most of the Malawian youth’s lives. If anyone who died in 2012 woke up today,
he would be shocked at how sports betting has gained ground. A cancer.
Alcoholism
Now, let us not lie, there has always been
alcohol among societies. It however took a different look in the last 19 years.
Cheap alcohol sold in plastic sachets saw most of our youths drinking. Even
after the ban, the still cheaper but larger Ice Londons are still very
attractive to the youths. A cancer.
Illiteracy and cultural poverty
We have internet, we have the FM radio and
Wikipedia and education at the primary level is free but when you look at the
comment section of Malawians or when you listen in on public debates of snoop
in on the WhatsApp groups you can see
that those Malawians online can write, but that is about it. No depth. It is
worse among those Malawians offline.
Give them free internet, they will look at porn and browse about
scandals, give them TV, they will watch sports and drama. Not many are into
self-improvement or knowledge acquisition.
Future Issues
China
China is here, Bingu brought it here. They are
here for a reason. They will be one of the most significant relationships we
will have to deal with in the next 20 years and if we don’t have a policy or
plan, we will follow theirs. We might not want to do that.
Population management
It is growing. Even people who need to be shot
dead on sight or castrated are having babies. Most of the friends I consider
dumb already have multiple babies. We will need a plan for these babies we are
spewing. How to feed, house, educate and give them opportunities to earn a
living. A big population is desirable, but a hungry, uneducated and unemployed
one is a waste of DNA and resources.
Natural Resources Management
Yeah, the hills in Blantyre are 98% bare, we
all use charcoal but no one owns a forest, the rivers and lakes are being
overfished like crazy, we don’t particularly have that much coal and all this
mining we are getting into cannot go past 2050. So what do we do with the
little we have left?
Tribal Strife
If Bingu’s Anti Northern Region sentiments were
nothing to go by then the election in 2019 told us that it is not just hatred
against the north that is the norm. The MCP, read Chewa, feel that it was
robbed and the Yao and Lhomwe, read UDF and DPP, for the first time banded
together to keep power in the South. We saw some isolated overt outbursts of
tribal bigotry in the aftermath of the election, but it has largely been
muffled. But it is cancer, it is there and it needs to be explicitly seen to.
Illiteracy and cultural poverty
An idle, feebly educated youth is a time bomb.
A culturally poor society means stuff like witchcraft and blind belief in
religion will persist.
Mass Hysteria and Fake News
The recent lynch mobs in Mulanje, the stories
about men being caught in the ceiling at the court, the clan clashes in Nkhata
Bay and Mangochi all have a mass hysteria angle and some are fuelled by the
very technology we acquired in this century.
The death of Tobacco
We are a mono-economy, we rely on a crop that is being ditched globally. We might want to start looking at alternatives to tobacco.
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